Letters.

I am non-confrontational. I hide my feelings and emotions from others to keep from embarrassing myself. One way I found early on to help me cope with my feelings and emotions towards others is to write letters to them. Letters that have never been sent, and they never will be. They allow me to be completely honest without limitations.

Some of the letters I first started writing were to a friend at my work. We'll call her "The Pool Girl" for a lack of a better name.

I met The Pool Girl during the summer of 2009, when she started. We almost instantly became friends. Best friends. When my dad became sick, she was one of the few people I told for awhile. I didn't want it to be true so I tried to tell as few people as possible.

It was towards the end of December, beginning of January and I had been depressed for a long time by that point. I kept everything inside until one day I couldn't hold it in any longer. She asked, I talked, and she listened. I spilled the entire contents of my brain and heart. I told her things that I wouldn't even admit to myself today. I knew that it was a lot for someone to handle and take in, but I couldn't stop myself.

Maybe 2 weeks after I told her everything, she fell in love and moved 3 or 4 hours away. Taking the deepest depths of my soul with her. I didn't hear from her until months after my dad's surgery. She was the only person who knew almost everything.

I felt betrayed. Not only did she leave, she had shafted me and a mutual friend for someone who abused her. She never had a good taste in men and she dated a lot of old men. They were weird too, but we continued to support her every time she met another wakadoo.

Later she had asked me why we didn't talk and why we weren't friends anymore, I didn't know how to truly tell her in person, 
so I wrote.

                                                                                                                                            June 25, 2010
Dear [ "The Pool Girl"],
   I know that I left you hanging but I couldn't quite control or put into words, my feelings. But, I'm ready now.
   I'm truly mad at you because you mad me pour my soul out to you and tell you my deepest secrets one night. You promised me that you would be there for me through everything that was happening in my life then. But you left, when I need you the most. 
   My life was in a fragile state and you chose [your boyfriend] over me completely. I understand that you love him but, if he truly loved you too, he wouldn't have taken you from me.
 You were one of the only people I could truly talk to about my life. Especially about the state my life was in. You've ruined my trust in people. You contributed to why I am so guarded with other people. I hate you for that.
 And now, I don't express my true feelings to anyone because I expect them to leave, like you did.
There are so many more things I wish I could say to you but, those things cannot be put into words yet.

                                                                           - Danielle

  The Pool Girl came back one time after that, while she was still with her boyfriend. We went to lunch with another one of our friends. We wanted to talk to her how brainwashed and abused we felt she was.

  When she was with this guy, he wouldn't allow her to leave the house without his permission, and sometimes, without him. Her phone calls to us were limited and she always was forced to put us on speakerphone. Eventually, the phone calls stopped coming.

   When we were at lunch, she just kept repeating to us about how in love she was. She was really in-depth with her faith, so when she says to me that her boyfriend came before God, I knew we had lost her.

[Just a side note: I am a baptized Episcopalian, but I am not a religious person. I have never read the Bible and I don't go to church. But I do know enough about Christianity to know how putting her boyfriend (not her relationship, just him) before her relationship with her higher power, was not right.]

Last spring, I met The Pool Girl for lunch because, frankly, she begged me to. She had broken up with her boyfriend after he had lied to her and got her really sick. I asked her about how she felt after our lunch the year before, especially about her putting her boyfriend before her relationship with God. She didn't remember ever saying it. She never asked about my dad or me, for that matter. Then we parted ways and we haven't spoken since.

And when the rain came, I danced while I cried with the sky.